My Attitude.

So I like to think that I’m a nice person but the attitude I can get is a real problem.

I’m capable of forgiveness but sometimes people get the best of me and my need to defend myself often outweighs the logical side of things. Far to often I find myself getting defensive over things people say even when they may not be directed towards me. Such as when someone generalizes and I end up in that category. This is a real struggle at work because I believe I am a hard worker but people with my job title tend to slack off. Not to say that I am perfect but I shouldn’t be coupled into something that has nothing to do with me, especially when it’s negative. I just can’t seem to bring my self to let it go.

You may see this a something trivial but it often leads to problems maintaining friendships at work. My wife has told me that this is something higher ups do because they shouldn’t single someone out in front of the group but I can’t help but feel personally attacked.

I am unsure if it has anything to do with my illness. It’s possible to say that it’s some form of paranoia. It could be possible that it stems from my upbringing. Nevertheless it is a problem that needs to be dealt with by none other than myself.

I pride myself on my ability to make a change in the ways I see things but this one may prove to be difficult on my own. Obviously therapy would be a useful tool in this but the therapists at my doctors office aren’t much help. Yes they listen good, a little too good because you could lead them up to giving you great advice but they’ll just continue to listen. I need someone who is just as capable of listening as they are at giving advice. That can’t be to much to ask for, can it?

So with therapy out at the moment, what am I to do? One reason this will be difficult on my own is my temper. Being a big contributor to my attitude, it often gets my adrenaline pumping and like every person out there I start reacting more without thought. Thus making it hard to stop and think before I react.

It’s may be possible that just keeping this in the forefront of my mind each day might help. Having it in my mind before a situation happens could help me stop and think. The problem is this is not an everyday occurrence. So it doesn’t seem to be realistic to think about it for prolonged times without using it.

Maybe meditation could help. Keeping my body relaxed may stop me from getting so amped up. I don’t know much about the practice but I’ve heard good things. I also don’t know anyone who is serious enough about it to sort of lead me through or at least get me started.

You may have noticed that I’m coming up with a lot of excuses for not letting this change take place. This is what I face every time I want to make a positive change in life, as I’m sure it does for many people. I can’t help but tell you that there is a part of me that feels as if my actions are a justified because it’s self preservation, being that some people need to be put in their place or taught that certain lines cannot be crossed. This is hindering me slightly as you can imagine.

So now that I’ve voiced my internal debate, I’m hoping that someone would have some advice for me. I’m conflicted so please, if you wouldn’t mind, contact me. You could comment, email, or hit me up on Twitter. I could really use the help. Have a good one peoples.

Published by Anonymous Schizo

I've been handling schizophrenia since my early teenage years. Needless to say I haven't always handled it well. My goal is to blog about my life so people can see what I've gone through, maybe to relate, gain insight, or to just take a walk in my shoes. This is my Schizophrenic Life.

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