Today I am going to give you my best attempt at how it feels to be held by the grips of psychosis. I will be recounting my most recent, worst episode. This one changed my life. Affects good and bad still rippling throughout my life.
When tittering on the edge of insanity you start to lose touch with yourself. A terrifing experience if you are lucky enough to even notice. By that I mean sometimes you just do not catch it. It is once I reach that point where instinct kicks in. During this episode I continued to take my medication that was failing me. I started to get this gut feeling that something was not right. The problem is once you reach this point your conscious thought is dampened. You are numb to yourself, unable to act on that voice in your head screaming somethings wrong. Your thoughts become simplistic. You find yourself guiding your mind using simple words and phrases, you take a back seat to reality. At this point you become scared and panicked, this is right before you take the plunge, this is when it is to late.
By this point I can not hide what is going on inside my head. Undoubtably terrifying everyone ouside of my abyss. At this point I am screaming for help. What is left of my mind, somewhat detached from command of my body, unable to force it to ask for help. I have read that a symptom, believe it or not, is thinking you are fine even when all is lost. I am here to tell you that it is a reoccurring delusion to hide from the fear, to be paralized by it to a point of denial.
During this point that I believe to be last stop before total darkness, my mind is fighting the psychosis. Valiant but futile, the only thing saving me is hospitalization. Yet I kept on somehow. I was still working, still taking my meds. I am told that by this point I had become unbearable, my wife paralyzed by fear with no idea what to do. She had never experienced anything like this before.
It is now that with my mind being so strained, unable to repair the void, that I blackout.
Blacking out is such a odd feeling. You only realize that you are once you start to come to. No nothing magical happened during that time. In fact the only memories I have during the months of this happening is the delusions and hallucinations I awoke to and a blurred recollection of my surroundings. This I do know, it was at times of high adrenaline that made me come to. Fear, anger and confrontation all pulling me out of the darkness.
Roughly six months this went on, it felt like a week. I attribute my survival of this to my wife. Unprepared, unknowing and with no mental health training she got us through it. I still do not know how she did it.
Nevertheless, surviving such a experience such as this changes you forever. I have vowed to myself and the love of my life that it will never get that bad again.