Sarcosine Strong!

It’s been a year and one month since I’ve started sarcosine!

A little back story on it: I first heard about sarcosine via a twitter post. After a lot of research and a LOT of convincing my wife; I decided to order it. I worked my way up, like they recommended and I leveled off at two grams in the morning, two grams at night.

Before I tell you what I’ve accomplished whilst taking sarcosine, I need to give you a back ground on me. Throughout my life I was not a good worker. Sure I could bust my ass one day but the next, I was down for the count. Motivation was a real problem for me. My attendance was never consistent and I’ve actually been fired for taking to many days off. I always knew I could be a great worker but my schizophrenia habitually held me back. All that changed once I started my journey with sarcosine.

After a month, I was noticing an actual difference. I could tell you all about how it made me feel or how great it helped my mind but I’ll let the facts do the talking. It became easier for me to do my job, after a hard day I seemed to recover faster. Time went on and I found it easier and easier to work harder AND longer. Suffice it to say that I had begun to excel at my job.

This came at a good time as my relative that I was caring for was declining. It also didn’t help that the third person helping my wife and I, decided it was to much and chose to forgo seeing it out til the end. I was forced to cut my hours down to three days a week and, with help from my wife, (who was working full time and helping me) began taking care of my relative nearly full time. Needless to say that it was my greatest challenge in life and something I’m proud to say, I saw through to the end.

The end came and my life ground to a halt. I was dreading the moment and thought for sure it would send me into the abyss, spiraling down due to my illness. I’m almost embarrassed to say that it didn’t happen. I stayed strong but I felt I betrayed him. This man meant the world to me and I felt my doing well, didn’t do him justice.

Moving forward, after going back to working normal hours, I slowly healed. I didn’t break as I thought I would and I realized that sarcosine, coupled with my meds and vitamins, actually made me stronger mentally. I felt as if I have never been stronger. I felt as if I passed my test and it was time to move up in the world.

I gave the restaurant another almost six months, out of respect. After all, they helped me along my journey but I was determined to reach a higher level.

Against advice from my wife, I chose to apply to an auto parts store. There I meant a man that would start me on a path, that I chose to follow. Unlike the restaurant, this job likes to promote and I’m proud to say that I am awaiting my promotion to a manager. I don’t mean to brag but I’ve been at this job about five months; having never worked in the auto industry, I feel that I’ve proved myself to them. I’ve shown a level of commitment and tenacity that I thought I wasn’t capable of.

This is honestly the greatest time in my life. I strongly believe had I only been taking my meds, I wouldn’t have reached this point. I’m more capable than ever and I owe it all to the extra precautions I’ve taken, such as Sarcosine.

It’s truly been eye opening; realizing you need something more. Whether it be taking medication, going to therapy, or a simple amino acid coupled with other vitamins. Never be ashamed to get help because you never know how well your life could be, until you’ve dealt with your demons. You have it in to, you have the potential to be great. Why let a little stigma shame you away from living your best life. Your mental illness is valid and just as real as any physical illness. Whether It’s depression, anxiety, bi polar, schizoaffective or schizophrenia. If you need help, you should get it.

Nights like Tonight

Well it’s been a while.

I haven’t had a night like tonight in a long time. Mind racing, can’t turn my brain off. Feels like my brain is on overdrive, overstimulated.

Like chaos and it’s hard to make sense of it all.

I’ve been on a sort of hiatus. In other words I haven’t been working to my full potential. The pandemic took its toll on me and I’ve been hesitant to push myself again.

As you may have read, at the start of the pandemic I was promoted to store manager. I had finally entered a career that would have set me on the right path for the rest of my life.

Well life doesn’t always turn out the way you wanted it to. I’m no longer at that company anymore. After becoming burnt out, mentally, physically and emotionally, I left. I didn’t get the help I needed in time to save myself.

It’s been a while since I’ve had a night where I feel like I’m squirming in my own skin. Insecure and unfulfilled. I find myself reaching like I’ve never before. Putting myself out there. I’ve started small, downloaded a few apps to connect gamers. Even started a TikTok although that’s mostly about my animals.

I’ve come to realize that I don’t feel content anymore going at it alone. Maybe it’s just my age but I no longer feel I have to be the lone Wolf. I need company, interaction and I can’t build friendships fast enough.

On nights like tonight the only thing that really clears my head is writing. It’s something to focus on. To help me sift through the haphazard thoughts on my mind.

If only I could just find sleep.

Set Aside the Whispers in the Dark

Lions in the Night

Navigating a world where mental illness is unbelievably stigmatised can be difficult. So when you choose to tell someone be prepared for a possible bad ending. Not only has one of your worst fears come true but now the potential power someone has over you can cause problems. Really think about it though. In all honesty people barley know an ounce of what you think they know about you.

Not everyone is the same though and trust me, there are good people out there. Having that illness hidden may be beneficial given the state of these times. For me personally, I am very selective on who receives my secret. I pay attention to personalities. You should spend time getting to know people. Sure terrible people tend to stand out but if you know what to look for, so do good people. Meaningful connections are possible but it starts with you. Lose the negative outlook that everyone thinks something is wrong with you.

The Pros

Starting with the first thing that comes to mind. Not finding yourself so deep in a hole that your blog is your only outlight. Believe it or not, you need to be able to talk about your mental illness with people. Even just casual conversation alleviates the crushing weight. If you have that open line of communication with people, you should talk with them to help clear your head.

People are more understanding than you think.

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The Struggle

When you have grown up with a narcissistic mother sometimes trusting, developing connections, maintaining healthy relationships can be extremely difficult. It has been pondered by my therapist whether or not I have CPTSD. That is a story for another time though. The point I am trying to make is Schizophrenia is never by itself. Many mental illnesses are accompanied by others. Holding me back is that delicate trust. Ever so fragile.

The Cons

There is plenty to go wrong when opening up to people. Believe it or not it is actually a common occurrence. Rumours, exaggerations, panic just to name a few. I have lost jobs because of it. Women who told me they loved me turned and ran. Certainly a slippery slop. But one thing I know for sure is that when you find that person or people who take your secret and still accept you. Life begins to become more meaningful.

This is not just a cautionary tale, this me telling you that sometimes it is worth the risk. I am not saying lay it all out there on the line. But timing is everything

Moral of the Story

Put yourself out there. All of you preconceived notions of the world and what people think. They are probably wrong. It is for all of us. Therefore telling yourself that you can not open up to people is not the way. You only live one time and you should make the most of it.

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Knowledge is Power

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Understanding my Schizophrenia

I spent a lot of my life not understanding my illness. Living life like it was just something I had to deal with. Today I’ll take you through a brief run down on my search history. As a result I was naive about how deep it goes is unreal. knowing something was wrong but just how much was my illness. But how much I blamed myself for was staggering. A so much I burdened myself with.

It wasn’t until four years ago that I took the power into my own hands. For instance I attribute a lot of the reason to meeting my wife. She truly gave me something to live for. She gave me a glimpse of a better life that I could not have be capable of.

The Meetup

Firstly Once I met her my life took a turn for the better. Until getting married I asked her one day to move out of town with me. I had a job opportunity which would provide housing via a cabin in the woods. What is the best part is this is where we would get married. She said yes and away we went. She even resigned from her job to come with me.

After moving out of town, I went into the worst episode of my life. After living through this I vowed to never let it get that bad again. I dedicated a lot of time and money into searching for things that would help me in my struggle with Schizophrenia. Countless hours I spent online searching. Searching for anything that would help.

Researching Online

I stumbled upon a vast amount of information. When without realizing there is so much knowledge to be gained from researching my mental illness. When many studies have been done. So much research has been done in the name of helping people like me. I scrolled and scrolled hoping.

One thing I’d say I found a lot of was studies being done about vitamin supplements in combination with medicine to ease some of the side effects. Got a negative symptom, there is a vitamin for that. With a quick disclaimer, I’ll say that when you find something, direct that search to reputable sites. You will probably run into a lot saying that there is not enough evidence supporting the claims. I am not endorsing any specific thing, I am just saying what has worked for me.

I would say one of the biggest things I ran into was Sarcosine. Small studies have been done regarding this amino acid. There is plenty of ways to get it too. None of it is backed by a vast amount of research. The result of the decision to start taking it was a risk. Same with any other of my supplements. I have taken some which have negatively affected me bought straight from my local vitamin shop. Let that statement serve as a warning. That just because something is toted as good, does not mean it is good for you in particular. I found that a lot of the standard vitamins like C, D and B were very beneficial.

Studies

Throughout my research I found many things. Finding out that a lot is being done to help understand and cure Schizophrenia. I spent a lot of my life not exposed to the good people searching for help for me. I never realized how much was being done and it honestly gave me a lot of comfort knowing a lot of doctors are working on this.

A big thing that helped me greatly was reading information on what my illness is. To actually bring some understanding helped me better cope with what was happening to me. Understanding helped me accept my illness. I honestly cannot stress enough how much it did.

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NAMI Link to Schizophrenia

https://www.nami.org/About-Mental-Illness/Mental-Health-Conditions/Schizophrenia/Discuss

A Typical Day

Timing is everything. For a long time I tried working different jobs to make a living. On occasion different options presented themselves but I will forever be a 9-5 worker. Schizophrenia hinders me greatly. Honestly the only thing I know how to do is work hard. I don’t have the vision to become something more. I don’t have the foresight to make it as something better. My talents? I am a okay writer, I also have a unrelenting drive to push forward. The latter being my greatest characteristic.

Retail work has always been my go to. Easy work and it doesn’t seem to change much from company to company. They may change the name from truck to freight, team lead to parts sales manager or commercial driver to delivery expert but the goal is the same. Stock the shelves, tend to the customers and up sell everything.

Having my illness present challenges daily. It starts when I wake up. I open my eyes to a different world from when I went to sleep. My meds and vitamins and all the extras I take throughout the day have worn off. Every morning I’m reminded that everything good about me comes from a pill bottle. I’d be lying if I said I maintained this pessimistic attitude all the time but really when it comes down to it, it’s the truth.

A typical work days consists of me waking up, taking my meds and vitamins. Then rushing around to get ready as I am always sleeping until the last second. Honestly I’ve perfected the 30 minute get ready time for work. Then I head to work coffee in hand. Truth be told I’m still waking up an hour after I get to work. I don’t let it slow me down though and I usually jump right into a task. I rely on what I see and and I jump into tasks usually without being asked. Tasks that fill up my entire day.

Soon enough the day is starting to go by. Lunch time arrives and I spend my 30 minutes rushing home, hurrying to eat, pounding more vitamins and flying back to work. Arriving just in time to clock back in.

I grind until 5 and get done work. A typical night after work consists of me either playing video games, watching Tv with my wife or working on some project I’m currently fixating on. Bed early and it’s back at it again the next day.

I have taken up door dashing, delivering food to supplement my income. I know my area well from growing up here and delivering pizza for almost 3 years. My wife comes along to navigate, normally finding herself waiting on the app’s map whilst I’m already headed to the location. It’s more hours that I’d rather spend relaxing but it’s easy work. No boss, I take what orders I want and I work when I want. It also turns out that if you set rules for yourself, you can make decent money. One of my rules being never go six miles from the cluster of restaurants. Having that allows me to be back quickly for the next order.

It’s a simple life but I wouldn’t trade it for the world. As a young kid I would often say that I would do better in the work setting than at school. Well that’s a typical day in my life with Schizophrenia. Can you relate?

Oh How Life Changes

Hello, things have certainly taking a turn since I last posted. My whole world has been flipped upside down but as usually I’m trekking through, one foot in front of the other. Surprisingly my Schizophrenia has stayed in check regardless of what I’ve been through. I will say however that I’ve gone on a antidepressant, Zoloft.

I’m about two months in on Zoloft and I’ve been thinking about upping the dose a bit. I’m doing a lot better, that is for sure but a lot better from where I was isn’t quite saying much. Not to knock my life but I should have been on antidepressants ten years ago. I would have saved myself a lot of suffering.

I recently switched jobs. After being a store manager for seven months I realized that at that particular company and time that it just wasn’t for me. It also didn’t help that the pandemic struck a week after I was promoted. I did my best as I always strive to do. I was even doing a good job, my comps stayed positive even through the worst of it but it seriously took a toll on me. I was working long hours and had a very new staff. I took over a failing store that hadn’t reached positive comps in some time. The staff that was left over from the previous store manager had some pretty bad habits but instead of cleaning house I did my best to turn things around for them. In vein I poured all I had but in the end I decided it was best for me to move on.

I started a new job five weeks ago and things couldn’t be better. I took a pay cut, that’s for sure but I’ve found ways to earn extra cash. I started door dashing on the side of my full time job. I have to say that even though some weeks I work more than 50-60 hours between the two jobs, my quality of life has improved tremendously. I especially enjoy the fact that when I’m delivering for door dash, my wife comes along and navigates for me. She filters through the bad orders and certainly makes it a good time!

I can honestly say that the pandemic has certainly changed things a lot. I’ll be honest when I say the mask helps my customer service, seeing how I always look grumpy it hides my scowling face 😆. Things may have worsened in the world but I do my best to stay positive even though it may be difficult sometimes. I’ve lessened my exposure to the news since more so than ever it has been nothing but bad news.

It’s a crazy world we live in but do your best to stay positive. Your perspective of things makes all the difference in the world. Stay strong, stay mentally healthy and most of all stay safe! During these trying times we need to check on each other.